South Park script - Cosplay It Again, Stan
by RevolutionMan
Summary: When Randy walks into Stan's room for some father-son time, he mistakes his son's cosplay contest research for pornography. In denial that his boy is getting older, and hoping to avoid having "the talk" with him, Randy installs the "Boner Blocker" software on Stan's computer. Special Guest: Ben Affleck as Batman.
1. Chapter 1

"COSPLAY IT AGAIN, STAN"

ACT ONE

EXT. MARSH HOUSE - DAY

Establishing shot, Stan's house.

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy and Sharon sit on the couch watching television.

ON THE TELEVISION: A rotating molecule zooms by before it cuts to a scene from "The Big Bang Theory". Sheldon, Leonard, the Indian one, the Jewish one, and Penny's cleavage sit around an apartment eating Chinese food.

**RAJ (TV)  
I do not care what anyone says, with enough prep time, Batman could totally kick Superman's red and/or blue ass, depending on whether or not he was wearing his super-panties at the time. Back me up on this Sheldon.**

**SHELDON (TV)  
An age old debate. If we consider the Lane-Emden equation for the gravitational potential of a Newtonian self-gravitating, spherically symmetric, polytropic fluid, we know that any solutions thus describe the run of pressure and density with radius and are known as polytropes of index n.**

**THE JEWISH ONE (TV)  
How does that relate to Batman fighting Superman?**

**SHELDON (TV)  
It doesn't. Just like Batman doesn't have a chance against Superman.**

**PENNY'S CLEAVAGE (TV)  
Like, you guys are such nerds. I'm drunk. Let's have sex.**

On the couch, Sharon laughs.

**SHARON  
I love this show. It's so smart. Half the time, I don't even know what they're talking about, but it's just so funny.  
**

**RANDY  
So, nerds get hot chicks, now?**

Stan enters wearing his backpack. He heads right for the stairs.

**RANDY  
Oh, hey, Stan. We're watching Big Bang. Come watch with us.**

**STAN  
Can't, busy.**

Stan disappears upstairs. Sharon notices Randy's clear disappointment.

**SHARON  
Aw, what's wrong?**

**RANDY  
I don't know. It's like every day that goes by, he gets little older, and has a little less time for his old man. It's like...**

"Ships" by Barry Manilow plays". Randy sings.

**RANDY (V.O.)  
(singing)  
We're two ships that pass in the night. We both smile and we say it's alright. We're still here. It's just that we're out of sight. Like those ships that pass in the niiiiiiiight.**

MONTAGE: Randy and Stan pass each other in the kitchen. They pass each other, in their pajamas, Randy headed to and Stan coming from the bathroom. Randy looks forlorn, then smells the awful bathroom stank and covers his face. Randy and Stan pass each other on an imaginary pier inside Randy's head.

**SHARON  
Well, honey, he is a growing boy. It's only natural for him to want to get out on his own and get a little distance between himself and his parents. But if you think you're growing apart, why don't you go upstairs and talk to him.**

Randy gets up from the couch and heads upstairs.

**RANDY  
You know something, you're right. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Hey, Stan? Stan?**

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Randy knocks on Stan's door.

**RANDY  
Hey, Stan, what do you say you and I go throw a ball around?**

**STAN (V.O.)  
(through the door)  
Busy!**

**RANDY  
Come on, and afterwards, maybe I'll take you out for some ice...**

Randy opens the door.

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM

Randy opens the door and is shocked by whatever it is he sees.

**RANDY**  
**… ****cream.**

Stan, in his underwear, sits in front of his computer. On the screen is a picture of a half-naked woman in a cape with enormous breasts.

Father and son stare at each other a few seconds, neither sure of what to do.

**STAN  
Dad, Jesus Christ!**

Randy runs off without saying a word. Stan slams the door.

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy comes downstairs. He heads for the kitchen.

**SHARON  
That was fast. Did everything go all right?**

**RANDY  
He was busy.**

**SHARON  
Well, do you want to watch some Big Ban-**

**RANDY  
NO, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH ANY FUCKING BIG BANG THEORY!**

Randy leaves.

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND – DAY

Various children play in the background. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny watch Butters' attempt at "twerking".

**BUTTERS  
Like this?**

**CARTMAN  
No, Butters, dammit. You're not jackin' it. You gotta remember to jack it, like this.**

Cartman twerks, remembering to jack it.

**CARTMAN  
See?**

**BUTTERS  
Oh.**

Stan approaches, looking down with his hands in his pockets.

**STAN  
Hey, guys.**

**KENNY  
Mmph mphn, hun na fnhh hun nhh?**

**KYLE  
Kenny's right, you look awful, dude.**

**STAN  
I just... Look, if I tell you, do you promise not to say anything?**

**BUTTERS  
Well, sure, buddy, you can tell us anything. We're here for you.**

**CARTMAN  
Yeah, Stan, Butters is totally here for you.**

**STAN  
Last night, my Dad... caught me.**

**KYLE  
Doing what?**

**STAN  
Don't make me spell it out, you guys. I was on my computer... doing... research... with the door closed. And he just walked in.**

The boys hesitate.

**CARTMAN  
Oh, my god. **

**KYLE  
How much did he see?**

**STAN  
I don't know. I mean, I think I had it hidden, but...**

**CARTMAN  
You think? You think? Goddammit, you have to be sure! This is too important.**

**KYLE  
Did he see the screen?**

**STAN  
He might have. It all just happened so fast. I couldn't minimize the window fast enough.**

**CARTMAN  
Well, this is just great. Unbelievable. I expect this kind of bullshit from Butters, or even Kenny, but you?**

**KENNY  
Mmhn, fmph nhm, nmh-hmm.**

**CARTMAN  
What? It's not my fault your family can't afford a computer, so you have to do all your research at the library. That's Obama's fault. Blame Obamacare.**

**KYLE  
Did you at least, ya know, talk to him? Find out if he saw anything?**

**STAN  
I couldn't. I was so embarrassed, I didn't even go downstairs for dinner. I just went straight to bed.**

**BUTTER  
Did you finish your research first?**

**STAN  
Of course, I did, Butters. If I didn't, I would have been up all night thinking about it. And it's probably fine. Even if he did see, I don't think my Dad would want to enter the contest anyway.**

**CARTMAN  
Well, you better hope to Christ you're right, Stan. This is serious business. That cosplay contest at the comic book store is paying out $200 for the best team costume, and if you just leaked our X-Men costumes, everyone's going to know how to beat us off.**

EXT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS – AFTERNOON

Establishing shot.

INT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS

Randy sits down at the bar. Skeeter serves him a beer. Gerald, Jimbo, Ned, and Stuart are there watching the television.

**GERALD**  
**Oh, I love this episode of Big Bang Theory.**

ON THE TELEVISION: Sheldon, Leonard, the Indian one, and the greedy one with the big nose stand around the comic book shop.

**LEONARD (V.O.)  
All I'm saying is that Kirk could just beam Darth Vader into space. Sheldon, back me up on this one.**

**SHELDON (V.O.)**  
**E equals M C squared to the hypotenuse of a right ganglionic nerve cluster under the post Pythagorean theorem of histology.**

ON THE TELEVISION: Penny enters, barely wearing any clothes.

**PENNY (V.O.)**  
**Oh, my god, you guys are such geeks. I'm drunk. Someone do me.**

ON THE TELEVISION: They all do her.

Bar patrons laugh.

**JIMBO  
Kirk and Vader. It's so funny they can talk about those things and still get that hot chick to have sex with them.**

**NED  
(voice box)  
I wish I was a nerd so I could get chicks like that.**

**GERALD  
Hey, Randy, what's the matter with you? Don't you like Big Bang?**

**RANDY  
Yeah, I mean, whatever. It's funny, I guess.**

**JIMBO  
What's wrong, Randy? You don't seem yourself.**

**RANDY  
Oh, it's kinda personal. I don't know if I want to share.**

**GERALD  
Caught your son jackin' it to internet porn?**

**RANDY  
How did you know?**

**GERALD**  
**My son's been doing the same thing. He doesn't know I found out, but I found all these pictures of half-naked women in our computer's browser history.**

**RANDY  
I just, I thought I had more time before I had to have "the talk" with him, ya know?**

**GERALD  
I know, but I spoke to my wife about it, and she said that our little Kyle is getting older, and the youth of today are growing up so much faster these days because of the internet. It's important that we're there for them to keep everything in perspective.**

**RANDY  
So, you had "the talk" with Kyle?**

**GERALD  
Oh, hell no. I installed one of those child monitor programs on our computer. I'm not talking to him about that stuff.**

**RANDY  
Huh.**

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM

Stan is sitting at his computer. He enters a google search for "X-Men Cosplay pictures". A pop-up window fills the screen with a picture of an Asian martial artist karate-chopping an erect penis. The screen reads "Boner Blocker 4.0 – content blocked – age restricted access".

**STAN  
What the hell? Dad?! Daaaad?!**

Stan exits into the hallway.

INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM

Stan enters Randy's bedroom and finds his father on the bed watching television.

**STAN  
Dad, why is there a thing called 'Boner Blocker' on my computer?**

**RANDY  
Uh, Stan, your mother and I thought it prudent to install a program on your computer to filter out certain websites that might be inappropriate for kids your age.**

**STAN  
You went on my computer?!**

**RANDY  
Well, Stan, it is your computer, but your mother and I bought it for you, so we can...**

**STAN  
I can't believe you just went on my computer without asking. That's my personal computer. You can't invade my privacy like that!**

Sharon enters from the bathroom.

**SHARON  
Now, Stanley, we understand you're upset, but...**

**STAN  
You gotta turn it off. I can't get to the sites I need to get to.**

**RANDY  
If Boner Blocker says you can't go to those sites, then you shouldn't be on them in the first place.**

**STAN  
But they're not bad sites. They're just... I need to do research. For school.**

**SHARON  
For school?**

**STAN  
Yeah, so will you uninstall it?**

**SHARON  
I'm sorry, son, but maybe you can find the information you're looking for on some other website.**

**STAN**  
**Ugh, this is so unfair. If you won't let me use my own computer, I'll just go to the library with Kenny and we'll do it there.**

Stan storms off. Randy is appalled, thinking his son is going to go jack it at the library with Kenny. Sharon is none the wiser.

**SHARON**  
**Well, that could have gone better.**

EXT. MARSH HOUSE – DAY

Stan slams the door on his way out. Randy follows soon after.

**RANDY  
Stanley Marsh, you wait one minute.**

**STAN  
I'm not talking to you!**

**RANDY  
You hold it right there, mister. I am your father and you will listen to me when I'm talking to you.**

Stan doesn't stop.

**RANDY  
Dammit, Stan, I know you're curious about your body and women, but jerking it in your house is one thing. Jerking off to porn at the library with a friend is something totally different! You're too young!**

Stan stops. He turns around, flabbergasted. Neighbors who were also out and about have stopped to stare and gape. A stopped car even gets rear-ended.

**STAN  
I was going to the library to research ideas for a cosplay costume I'm working on, you freak.**

**RANDY  
Cos-play?**

To Be Continued... (Imagine the "Back to the Future" theme at your discretion)


	2. Chapter 2

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM

Stan and Randy sit at Stan's computer. Stan cycles through pictures of cosplayers wearing various costumes; nine in ten of them are busty women with their tits out, and the other is a fat nerd dressed like Batman posing with busty women with their tits out.

**STAN  
In 1984 a Japanese guy by the name of Nobuyuki Takahashi from Studio Hard was attending the WorldCon science fiction convention in Los Angeles. He was so impressed with some of the costumes made by fans, he came up with the term "cosplay", short for "costume play". Since the 1990's, it's actually become this really big thing, where people dress up as their favorite characters from movies, comic books, cartoons and stuff like that. See, here's Wonder Woman, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Jessica Rabbit, Slave Leia...**

**RANDY  
Huh. A lot of these cosplayers are... women.**

**STAN  
Yeah, guys, girls, cosplay is for everyone. And there's a cosplay contest every Friday night at the comic book shop. The winning team gets two hundred bucks.**

Stan walks away from the computer.

**RANDY  
Huh. So, when I walked in on you the other day...**

**STAN (V.O.)  
I was changing into my costume and looking at pictures to see how I could improve it to help us win.**

**RANDY  
So you were embarrassed because I walked in on you changing.**

**STAN (V.O.)  
Well, yeah, Dad, I mean, I'm in 4th grade. I'm not a little kid anymore. And also the guys are really afraid someone's going to find out who we're going as.**

Randy turns round. He sees Stan is holding up a pretty decent Wolverine costume. The claws, which dangle in front of his crotch, *snikt* out... like a bunch of little erect penises.

**STAN  
What do you think?**

Randy blinks.

**RANDY  
I think it's great.**

**STAN  
Really? That's cool, because we need a ride to the comic book store and Cartman's mom can't do it. Can you bring us?**

**RANDY  
Sure, sounds like it could be fun.**

EXT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK STORE - NIGHT

Neon lights trace the outline of a half-naked stripper superhero on the outside of the building. We can hear stripper bar dance music coming from inside. A pair of burly bouncers check ID's at the door.

**BURLY BOUNCER  
Justice League ID card? Okay, you can go in. Justice League ID card? Inside.**

Randy pulls up front in his mid-sized sedan, looking confused. In the front and back seats are the boys; Wolverine Stan, Nightcrawler Kyle, Cyclops Kenny, Iceman Butters and Magneto Cartman. Stan checks his phone.

**STAN  
Okay, Jimmy just texted me. He and Timmy are already inside.**

**RANDY  
This... is a comic book store?**

**STAN  
Yeah, isn't it cool? But we're in the contest, so you have to pull around back.**

**RANDY  
Around back?**

**CARTMAN  
Yeah, there's a special entrance in the back for everyone in the contest.**

Randy drives them around back.

INT. DRESSING ROOM - CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK STORE

Cosplayers, mostly large-breasted women with their tits out, sit in front of mirrors wearing little to nothing or otherwise skin-tight nerdy costumes.

**SKANK BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER  
Does anyone have any jet black eyeliner?**

**SLUTTY HARLEY QUINN  
I think I have some granite grey.**

**WHORE KLINGON BITCH  
Oh my god, my chest plate is coming loose. Does anyone here know how to cross-stich?**

Randy leads the boys inside and is shocked by the amount of skin. Professor Xavier Timmy and Gambit Jimmy meet them.

**JIMMY  
It's about t-t-t-time you guys got here. We're on in f-f-f-five minutes.**

Randy notices a Prostitute Black Widow snorting coke.

**RANDY  
Boy, comic book shops sure have changed since my day.**

**STAN  
Okay, Dad, now just go out there and sit in the crowd. When we come out, make sure you use your bat-signal to let them know you're voting for us.**

**RANDY  
My bat-signal. Right.**

Cartman slaps Butters.

**CARTMAN  
Goddammit, Butters, you got glitter on me.**

**BUTTERS  
Well, that's not glitter. It's my super powered ice crystals I sprayed from my hands to stop you, Magneto.**

Butters chuckles.

**CARTMAN**  
**Just stop spraying your shit all over me! It's on my face and in my eye. And when it gets in my hair, it's impossible to get out.**

Randy leaves.

INT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK STORE

The main room is lit by a black light. There's a stage where a half-naked Wonder Woman and Sailor Moon lez out for the crowd, which is made up almost entirely of fat drooling nerds dressed like Batman. Stripper dance music plays.

Randy sneaks in from behind the stage and sits at one of the tables where there's an empty chair next to one of the Fat Drooling Batmans.

**RANDY  
Uh, hi. My name's Randy. Are you in the cosplay contest, too?**

**FAT DROOLING NERD BATMAN 1  
No. I'm just here to judge.**

**RANDY  
That's a nice Batman costume. Seems like there are a lot of Batmans here tonight.**

**FAT DROOLING NERD BATMAN 1  
Yeah, it's a pretty popular cosplay costume right now. Everyone figures if Ben Affleck can be Batman, well, fuck, so can I.**

**RANDY  
Makes sense.**

Elf Whore walks over to the table and starts giving Fat Drooling Nerd Batman 1 a lap dance.

**ELF WHORE  
What do you think of my costume, big boy?**

Fat Drooling Nerd Batman 1 moans with pleasure, quivers, shakes, cums in his pants.

**FAT DROOLING NERD BATMAN 1  
(cumming)  
I'm Batman!**

The nerd has a nice grin on his face and uses his Batman symbol to signal he votes for Elf Whore.

**ELF WHORE  
Thanks for the vote, cutie.**

Elf Whore moves on to another Batman. A few of the other dancers move up to Batmans and they all growl "I'm Batman!" to signal they've ejaculated in their pants. They also use their bat-signals to vote for the girls.

**RANDY  
Was that Catwoman Lexi Belle, the pornstar?**

On stage, the lighting changes, and the lesbian superheroes go back to the dressing room. Different music plays. The boys walk out in their X-Men costumes, except for Professor Xavier Timmy, who rolls out. They strike awesome poses... and twerk like strippers. They remember to jack it.

**TIMMY**  
**Timmy!**

**DJ (V.O.)  
And now, cosplay enthusiasts, give it up for the X-Men; Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, Gambit, Nightcrawler and... The Blob.**

**CARTMAN  
Hey! I'm Magneto. Do you see I'm wearing the helmet?**

Randy is horrified. All the lit up bat-signals go dark... except one in the far right corner that lights up.

**PERVERT BATMAN  
(cumming)  
I'm Batman!**

INT. RANDY'S CAR - LATER

The boys all look disappointed. Randy drives straight ahead, still in shock.

**CARTMAN  
This is bullcrap. We had the best costumes in there, by far.**

**KYLE  
Totally. And we didn't even place.**

**KENNY  
Mnhh fnnnd hm mpppn hnnn.**

**STAN  
I spent so much time on my costume. These claws are real metal.**

Stan *snikts* his claws a few times.

**CARTMAN  
It's all your fault, Butters, getting your glitter all over me. No one knew who I was.**

**BUTTERS  
I'm sorry. I can't control it. Sometimes it just gets everywhere no matter how hard I try.**

**RANDY  
Uh, boys, do you have any idea what went on back there?**

**CARTMAN  
Yes, we all got fucked by Butters, and it cost us two hundred dollars.**

**RANDY  
I don't think Butters is the reason you lost.**

**STAN  
What do you mean? Why do you think we lost?**

**RANDY  
Didn't you notice anything about your competition? How they were all... girls?**

**KYLE  
You know, there were a lot of girls cosplayers. And the all Pink Ranger Power Ranger team won the team contest.**

**CARTMAN  
Son of a bitch.**

INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM - LATER

The lights are out. Randy and Sharon are in bed, cuddling.

**SHARON  
I feel so bad for Stanley. He and his little friends worked so hard on their little costumes. What were the other costumes like? Were they really good?**

**RANDY  
Yeah. They were... something else.**

Sharon, feeling frisky, starts feeling him up.

**SHARON  
Hey, you. I had a glass of wine tonight while you boys were out. You want a little...?**

Sharon's head disappears under the sheets.

**RANDY  
No, ya know, Sharon, I'm actually kinda tired. I think I'm just gonna go to bed.**

He pushes her off, rolls over, and closes his eyes. Sharon looks surprised.

CLOSE ON CLOCK: Randy's night stand clock goes from 11:33 pm to 1:07 am.

Randy, wide awake, hears the stripper music from the comic book shop in his head. He sees visions of Wonder Woman and Power Girl lezzing out. He shakes his head to return to the quiet reality of his bedroom.

He rolls over.

**RANDY  
(whispers)  
Hey, Sharon? Sharon, you awake?**

When she doesn't answer, Randy slips out of bed.

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy tiptoes downstairs with his laptop and a blanket. He sits on the couch with his blanket over his crotch and loads up Google. He types.

**RANDY  
Cosplay pictures.**

ON THE SCREEN: Boner Block pops up. The little Asian martial arts guy yells something horrible in Japanese and karate chops an erect penis. It asks for a password.

**RANDY**  
**Password... Randyman.**

ON THE SCREEN: The password is denied. The Asian guy karate chops the penis again. It says "Two more attempts".

**RANDY  
What the hell? Randyman.**

Karate chopped penis sound.

**RANDY  
Dammit, the password is Randyman.**

ON THE SCREEN: The Asian guy kicks the penis until it's totally flaccid. A notice comes up on the screen which the Asian dojo master reads in a thick Japanese accent:

**ASIAN DOJO MASTER (V.O.)  
(thick accent)  
Oh, you fail penis test. Computer now lock, twelve hour! You-a giant pervert! **

**RANDY**  
**What the hell? I had the right...**

He looks down and notices the little light next to "Caps Lock" is on.

**RANDY  
Oh, god damn caps lock.**

He puts the laptop down. He thinks. He reaches for the remote control to the television.

**RANDY  
Maybe there's something on the naughty channels.**

He clicks on the television.

ON THE TELEVISION: Skinemax shows two women lezzing out.

Randy shrugs. He changes the channel.

ON THE TELEVISION: The Avengers plays. We see the world's greatest heroes: Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, and Scarlett Johansson's tits and ass.

Randy leans back and begins pleasuring himself under the blanket.

**RANDY  
Oh, yeah... That's the shit right there.**

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – THE NEXT DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. HALLWAYS – SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Wendy and Bebe stand by their open lockers.

**WENDY  
Yeah, I love that song. I downloaded the whole album onto my iPod the day it came out.**

**BEBE  
So did I. I just hate it that downloading music gets so expensive.**

Wendy shuts her locker. Cartman is right behind it, long with all the cosplay contest boys.

**CARTMAN  
Wendy, Bebe, congratulations.**

**WENDY  
Congratulations for what, fatass?**

**CARTMAN  
For being chosen, out of all the hottest chicks in school, as worthy enough to join our special cosplay group.**

**BEBE  
What's cosplay?**

**KYLE  
It's this super-awesome thing where you get to dress up like your favorite fictional characters.**

**WENDY  
You mean, like, Halloween?**

**STAN  
No, it's more than that. That's just little kids playing dress up. This is more like an art form, like expressing ourselves as well as showing our admiration for other serious artistic endeavors.**

Cartman pulls out two band-aid sized bikinis, capes, and cans of spray paint.

**CARTMAN  
We took the liberty of choosing your costumes for you. Bebe, we think you'll make a great Mystique, and Wendy, you can be Rogue. **

**BUTTERS  
But comic book Rogue, not Anna Paquin, gross, Michael Strahan teeth Rogue.**

**WENDY  
We're not wearing those.**

Wendy and Bebe try to walk away. The guys get in their way.

**STAN  
Come on, Wendy, please? I promise, it's fun. Every Friday, we get together at the comic book shop and compete in contests.**

**KYLE  
Yeah, and the winning team gets two hundred bucks!**

**WENDY  
Two hundred bucks?**

**BEBE  
Did you say two hundred?**

**CARTMAN  
Ugh! Way to go, Kyle. Now, when we win, we're gonna have to split it with them. What the hell is your problem? Now, you're going to hell.**

**KYLE  
Because I was honest with them?**

**CARTMAN  
No, because your Jew god is going to send you to hell for telling the women about money and that's against your religion.**

**WENDY  
We'll do it.**

**STAN  
Huh? You will?**

**BUTTERS  
Oh, boy!**

**BEBE  
Yes, but we want fifty-percent.**

**CARTMAN  
Fifty? That's bullcrap. That leaves, like, twelve dollars for the rest of us if we win. This was our idea.**

**WENDY  
But you can't win without us, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for our help. We'll wear your stupid costumes, but we want fifty-percent.**

**STAN  
But there's only two of you. Be reasonable, everyone should get an equal share.**

**WENDY**  
**It's fifty-percent, or go fuck yourselves.**

The boys huddle up, whisper to each other. A few expletives from Cartman escape the huddle, but everything else is unheard. They break.

**STAN  
Forty-percent.**

**BEBE  
Deal.**

**CARTMAN  
Goddammit, I knew we should have gone thirty-five.**

**KYLE  
We should meet after school so we can teach you how to do your makeup.**

**JIMMY  
Yeah, and also how to tw-tw-tw-twerk.**

**WENDY**  
**Teach us how to twerk?**

The girls drop their things on the floor and demonstrate their AWESOME twerking ability. They jerk it right.

**THE BOYS  
Whooooa.**

The girls pick up their things.

**BEBE  
Like we don't know how to twerk.**

**WENDY  
I downloaded Robin Thicke's song the day it came out. And we've been following Miley Cyrus since bitch called herself Hannah Montana. Don't tell us how to twerk. **

**BEBE  
We tell you how to twerk. Stupid boys.**

The girls take their skimpy outfits from Cartman and walk away.

**BUTTERS  
That was the best twerking I've ever seen.**

**CARTMAN  
We are so winning that two hundred dollars.**

INT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS

Randy sits at the bar drinking a beer with the guys.

**GERALD  
So, how's that Boner Blocker thing working out for you?**

**RANDY  
It's pretty cool, but last night it locked me out of my own computer. It's annoying having to put in the password all the time. And it turns out I didn't really need it anyway.**

**GERALD  
No?**

**RANDY  
Yeah, I thought Stan was looking at porn, but it turns out they were just cosplay pictures.**

**JIMBO  
Cosplay?**

**NED  
(voice box)  
What's that?**

**RANDY  
Well, it's the strangest thing. It's where they dress up like their favorite characters from, like, comic books and stuff, and compete in contests. I went to one last night and, I have to admit... it was kinda cool. **

**JIMBO  
What was it, just a bunch of kids in old Halloween costumes?**

**RANDY  
No, actually, it was a lot of really hot, half-naked, chicks with huge tits dancing around in tiny little outfits... and also a bunch of guys dressed up like Batman.**

The guys are taken aback.

**GERALD  
Wait a minute. Wait just one goddamn minute. Are you telling me there's a place where I can be Batman, like that asshole Ben Affleck, and hot chicks will not only agree to be around me, but will dress up in their own skimpy outfits as well?**

**RANDY  
I shit you not.**

A pause. Jimbo pulls out a shotgun and aims it at Randy's head.

**NED  
(voice box)  
You better not be fucking with us, you dick.**

INT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP - NIGHT

The guys from Skeeter's, all dressed up like Batman, stand around while practically naked cosplay chicks perform. The music plays.

**GERALD  
I'm Batman.**

**RANDY  
We all are, Gerald. We're all the god damned Batman.**

To be Concluded... (see The Book of Mormon, get a blowjob)


	3. Chapter 3

INT. BACKSTAGE – CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

Wolverine Stan, his costume looking even cooler and more badass than before, has his back to us as he peeks through the curtain.

**BUTTERS (O.S.)  
What do you see?**

**STAN  
Jesus, dudes, the crowd is huge. Even bigger than last week.**

Stan turns around to face his team, which now includes Bebe and Wendy. Bebe's Mystique costume is basically two pasties, a thong, and some spray paint. Wendy's Rogue costume consists of a streak of white in her hair, a one piece bathing suit that looks more like green suspenders and a jock strap, and white gloves.

**CARTMAN  
What's the competition like?**

**STAN  
It's tough, but I honestly think this one is ours to lose, assuming we don't get screwed by the judges again.**

**SOME FATASS BATMAN SOMEWHERE (O.S.)  
(cumming)  
I'm Batman!**

**CARTMAN  
Sweet. **

INT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

Dramatic music plays to introduce the X-Men. The crowd is enormous; all men, dressed like Batman. It's at least half the town.

**DJ  
Okay, everyone, now it's time for the team cosplay competition. Give it up for the X-Men!**

The boys, Bebe, and Wendy strike dramatic poses for a moment, then begin twerking. One bat signal goes up in the back.

**PERVERT BATMAN  
(cumming)  
I'm Batman!**

The rest of the crowd appears bored.

**NED BATMAN (O.S.)  
(voice box)  
What the fuck is this shit?**

CUT TO:

A LITTLE LATER

The team stands together on stage.

**DJ  
Okay, everyone, it's time to tally up the votes for the team competition. With one vote, give it up for the X-Men.**

One clap.

**CARTMAN  
Goddammit, Butters.**

Next to the X-Men team on stage is a Chinese crew dressed up like Iron Man, War Machine, and Thor. The iron suits fly and the two of them hover in mid-air while Thor summons actual lightning through the roof.

**DJ  
Next, we have Iron Man and War Machine, with actual flight capability and working machines guns and rocket launchers. And Thor with Mjolnir, a mystical hammer that can control the elements. Two votes for them.**

Very light applause.

**CHINESE THOR  
Oh, dis is bullsheet!**

**CHINESE IRON MAN  
We spen' nine t'ousan' dollews on our costumes!**

The final team is a bunch of ridiculously slutty Stormtroopers grinding on each other.

**DJ  
And finally, a bunch of stormtroopers.**

All the bat signals light up. Hooting and hollering from the crowd, and whistling, too.

**RANDY BATMAN (O.S.)  
Take it off!**

**DJ  
There you have it, folks. Your winners: the stormtroopers!**

INT. RANDY'S CAR – NIGHT

Stan, Butters, Kenny, and Cartman all sulk after their loss. Randy, still dressed like Batman, has a huge grin on his face. Robin Thicke's song "Blurred Lines" plays on the radio.

**RANDY BATMAN  
Well, I thought you guys did great. I really thought you had them tonight.**

**STAN  
You didn't even vote for us.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
Now, what have I told you about nepotism in cosplay?**

Stan rolls his eyes.

**RANDY BATMAN  
Stan? Stan, what have I told you about nepotism?**

**STAN  
There's no nepotism in cosplay.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
That's right. There's no nepotism in cosplay. It's just... icky.**

EXT. QUICKMART – NIGHT

Randy pulls into a Quickmart.

**STAN**  
**Why are we stopping? I just want to go home.**

INT. RANDY'S CAR

Randy puts the car in park.

**RANDY BATMAN  
Your mother wanted me to pickup some milk on the way home. It'll just take a quick second. Any of you boys want anything? My treat.**

**CARTMAN  
Cheesy Poofs.**

**BUTTERS  
Gee, thanks, Mr. Marsh. But I better not have anything this late. It'll give me a tummy ache.**

**CARTMAN  
And some sour patch kids.**

**KENNY  
Mnhh hmmn suhn nnnhn.**

**CARTMAN  
And some Diet Double Dew.**

**STAN  
I'm not hungry.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
All right, I'll be right back.**

Randy exits the car.

**CARTMAN  
Dude, your Dad totally looks like a homo in that costume.**

**STAN  
(exhales)  
I know.**

INT. QUICKMART

Randy enters and grabs a basket. He grabs the milk and some snacks for the boys. On his way to the counter, he passes the magazine rack. He notices the top row of dirty magazines: Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Wonder Woman #24, Spider-Woman #12, Catwoman #22... He grabs some of the comic books and puts them in his basket.

Randy brings everything up to the counter.

**QUICKMART ATTENDANT  
Hey, awesome cosplay costume. You must like Big Bang Theory.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
Big Bang Theory? No, I... my son was in a cosplay contest down at the comic book shop.**

**QUICKMART ATTENDANT**  
**Oh. Yeah, my wife and I love that show. We stay up all night watching it sometimes.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
Oh, yeah, that's cool. Can I get a brown paper bag for those? Thanks.**

INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Sharon lays alone in bed watching television and drinking wine.

ON THE TELEVISION: A molecule whirs by. The gang eats out at a restaurant; Leonard, Sheldon, the Indian one, the shifty Jew, Penny's cleavage, Bernadette's enormous cleavage, and a ferret.

**SHELDON (V.O.)  
Indiana Jones, William Shatner, Stan Lee, Battlestar Galactica.**

**PENNY (V.O.)  
You guys are such dorks. I'm so wasted. We should all have sex.**

ON THE TELEVISION: The scene erupts into a giant orgy. The ferret scurries around the outside of the pile.

Randy Batman enters the bedroom. He hides his comic books under his cape.

**SHARON**  
**Oh, hey, hun. How'd it go. Did they win?**

Randy puts his Batman costume in the closet, turns off the light, gets in bed, and closes his eyes with his back to Sharon.

**RANDY  
Nope. Lost. Tired. Good night.**

Sharon looks surprised.

**SHARON  
It's 9:15.**

Randy yawns loudly.

CLOSE ON CLOCK: Sharon's night stand clock goes from 9:15 pm to 2:12 am.

Sharon wakes up alone in bed.

**SHARON  
Randy?**

INT. MARSH UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Sharon checks the bathroom.

**SHARON  
Randy?**

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Sharon walks downstairs. No Randy, but there is a thumping sound.

**SHARON  
Where is that sound coming from?**

In her search for the source of the sound, she notices a bronze bust of Beethoven, like from the old Adam West Batman series, on a nearby table.

**SHARON  
What the? When did we get this?**

She touches the bust and the head moves back, revealing a button. She presses the button. Behind her, a bookshelf moves to reveal a set of stairs going down. She looks surprised.

INT. RANDY'S BATCAVE (THE BASEMENT)

Sharon tiptoes down a couple of stairs. She looks over the railing and sees Randy, amidst a carefully catalogued secret collection of comic books. He's sitting on a lawn chair amidst them all, beating off under a blanket while wearing the Batman cowl.

**RANDY  
Oh, yeah, She-Hulk. You're a naughty whore, aren't you? Oooooh, I'm Batman!**

Without saying a word, a traumatized Sharon retreats back upstairs.

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. CARTMAN'S BASEMENT

There's a video camera setup in front of a couch. A sign above the couch reads "Cosplay Casting Couch".

Cartman escorts over Jessie, a little blonde girl.

**CARTMAN  
Thank you for coming on such short notice, Jessie. You can have a seat right there.**

**JESSIE  
Oh, okay.**

Cartman goes behind the camera.

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
Can you tell us your name? It's for the camera.**

**JESSIE  
Jessie.**

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
And how old are you, Jessie?**

**JESSIE  
(nervous)  
I'm nine.**

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
Great, great. And have you ever done cosplay before?**

**JESSIE  
(nervous)  
No, this is my first time.**

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
You seem a little nervous. She seems a little nervous.**

**WENDY (O.S.)  
It's okay, Jessie. Just be yourself.**

**JESSIE  
Okay.**

For the first time, we see behind the camera. The entire X-Men team is there, observing.

**CARTMAN**  
**That's great. Now, we have a costume here for you. I think you're gonna like it. Butters, why don't you bring Jessie her costume.**

Butters walks over to Jessie holding a string bikini and red wig.

**BUTTERS  
You get to be Jean Grey.**

Butters hands her the costume and then retreats back behind the camera.

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
Okay, now if you could just try that on. And Kenny, why don't you go and stand next to her. You're Cyclops.**

Kenny, dressed as Cyclops sits on the couch next to her.

**KENNY  
Nmm hnnm?**

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
Yup, just like that. Now, the key to cosplay is you really gotta own the role. It's not just about the costume. It's also about really feeling the part. In the comics, Cyclops and Jean Grey are boyfriend and girlfriend, but sometimes she has this thing for Wolverine, too. Stan, why don't you go ahead and get in there.**

Stan enters the frame as Wolverine.

**CARTMAN (O.S.)  
That's great. Now, what we'd like to have you do, Jessie, is start twerking. Okay? But first you're gonna twerk with Kenny and then you're gonna twerk with Stan, and we're gonna see which one looks better. And then maybe we'll have you twerk with both of them at the same time. How does that sound?**

**JESSIE  
Okay.**

Stan's Wolverine claws snikt out like little erect penises.

Behind the camera, Kyle taps Cartman on the shoulder.

**KYLE  
Can I speak to you?**

**CARTMAN  
Sure, Kyle. Jessie, why don't you go ahead and change into your cosplay costume and then we'll get started.**

Kyle and Cartman talk privately.

**KYLE  
Aren't you a little concerned about what we're doing here?**

**CARTMAN  
Look, I know what you're gonna say.**

**KYLE  
Do you? I mean, do you, really? Because from our experiences together I really don't think you do.**

**CARTMAN  
Of course, I do. You're worried that bringing on another team member is going to mean less prize money to go around if we win.**

Kyle blinks once... twice.

**CARTMAN  
But Stan's Dad pointed out that there's a definite bias in these contests and we need to exploit that. But don't worry, I've come up with the perfect solution. We're gonna kick Jimmy and Butters off the team. See, problem solved?**

Kyle blinks again.

Cartman walks back to the camera.

**CARTMAN  
Okay, let's see if we can't twerk our brains out for two hundred dollars. Bebe, can you get the lights? And Stan, your claws are dangling a bit there. Can you get 'em up? And don't forget to jack it.**

Kyle sighs.

INT. SUPERMARKET

Sharon roams the aisles of the supermarket. She notices that all of the men in the store are dressed as Batman and is startled by this. In the produce section, she runs into Linda Stotch (Butters' Mom) and Sheila Broflovski (Kyle's Mom).

**SHEILA  
Oh, hi, Sharon. Doing some grocery shopping for the weekend?**

**SHARON  
Yep. **

**LINDA  
We're doing the same. **

**SHEILA  
Linda and I were just talking about last night's new Big Bang Theory. I just love that little Howard boy. You know, half the time, I have no idea what those boys are saying, but I just think they're all so funny. Don't you?**

Sharon is distracted by another Batman.

**LINDA  
Sharon? What's wrong?**

**SHARON  
Have you two noticed anything strange about the men in here?**

**SHEILA  
Strange?**

**LINDA  
No, why?**

**SHARON  
Well, they're all dressed like Batman.**

**LINDA  
I think it's cute. They're cosplaying, like on Big Bang Theory.**

**SHEILA  
My Gerald dresses like Batman all the time, now. And I just love it. Just between you and me, the sex has been the best we've ever had.**

**LINDA  
Ours, too. It's been wonderful.**

**SHARON  
I think it's a little creepy.**

**LINDA  
It helps to drink.**

**SHEILA  
Have you been drinking enough?**

**SHARON  
I have been, but ever since he's been dressing like Batman, Randy won't touch me. And last night, I caught him downstairs looking at... comic books.**

**SHEILA  
Well, who have you been dressed as?**

**SHARON  
Who have I been dressed as? **

**LINDA  
Yeah, last night I was Slave Leia, and the night before that I was Seven of Nine.**

**SHEILA  
You should try Catwoman. You've got the tits for it.**

Sharon is appalled, at first. Then she looks down.

**SHARON  
(flattered)  
Really? You think I have the tits to pull off Catwoman?**

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy comes home and hangs up his jacket.

**RANDY  
Sharon, I'm home. Sharon? Sharon? Huh, she must not be home yet.**

A lightbulb turns on over Randy's head. Literally. He reaches for the Beethoven bust.

INT. RANDY'S BATCAVE (THE BASEMENT)

Randy, backlit, poses as Batman at the top of the stairs, then descends until the last two steps. He leaps down the last two steps and poses again.

**RANDY BATMAN  
I'm Batman.**

He thumbs through his collection of comic books. We catch glimpses of basically naked superheroes and supervillains. He settles on a Catwoman comic book.

He sits and grabs his blanket. He doesn't notice that, behind him, Sharon, dressed as a slutty Catwoman, appears out of the shadows. Her eyes are crossed, she's so drunk.

**SHARON CATWOMAN  
Hey, Batman, you bastard.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
Sharon! I can explain.**

Randy Batman quickly covers up, then faces her. He notices she's Catwoman.

**RANDY BATMAN  
Sharon?**

**SHARON CATWOMAN  
My name's not Sharon. My name is Catwoman.**

She stumbles and wobbles her drunken ass over and throws herself at him. They fall out of view. We see claws, a tail, a cape.

**SHARON CATWOMAN (O.S.)  
Kitty wanna play.**

**RANDY BATMAN  
Oh. Oh, god! Ooooh! I'm the mother-fucking Batman!**

EXT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

Establishing shot.

INT. CHUBBY'S COMIC BOOK SHOP

On stage, a pair of Klingon whores dry hump a slutty Smurfette.

In the crowd, Randy appears in his regular clothes next to his guy friends, who are all dressed like Batman.

**GERALD BATMAN  
Hey, Randy. How come you're not dressed like Batman?**

**RANDY  
Oh, I don't know. I didn't really feel like dressing up. I kinda feel stupid in it, anyway.**

**JIMBO BATMAN  
How can you feel stupid as Batman?**

**RANDY  
I don't know, guys. It's just, sure, who doesn't want to be Batman from time to time? But when you're Batman all the time, it gets old. And sure, it'd be great to be Batman out in public and imagine yourself with all these hot chicks, but it'll never replace being Batman at home... and fucking your wife. Everything else is just jackin' it.**

The music changes. The lights change.

**DJ  
Okay, everyone, it's time again for our cosplay team competition. Give it up for the X-Men!**

The new team, now with more chicks, strike awesome poses on stage. They all twerk the most raunchy twerk ever and jack it something fierce.

In the crowd, one bat signal turns on.

**PERVERT BATMAN  
(cumming)  
I'm Batman!**

Randy walks over to Pervert Batman with the Asian Dojo Master from the Boner Blocker software. Randy clears his throat to get the perv's attention and then Asian guy Karate chops and punches Pervert Batman in his goddamn face. The guy's cowl comes off and... it's Ben Affleck! He runs away.

**RANDY  
Holy shit, was that Ben Affleck?**

The End – (every review you leave will make me scream out uncontrollably "I'm Batman!")

Thank you for reading.


End file.
